Jim Elliot Said It Best

There's a quote by Jim Elliot that says, "Wherever You are, be all there." I've been wrestling with how to handle my present circumstances as I wait for my dreams of a family of my own to come to fruition. Let me pause here to explain that living on Evangel's campus is like being trapped in a Hallmark movie at all times always. There are jokes that are consistently floating around campus to the effect of "a ring by spring," or "people looking for an MRS. Degree." And it makes the challenge of setting down your dreams of marriage and waiting patiently on the Lord's timing feel like it just "leveled up."

I spoke with a friend the other day who mentioned that she is really focusing on being present. It is the last semester of her college career and while she is so very ready for the next season of her life to begin, she is trying her best to enjoy today rather than wishing it away.

I spoke with the wife of the senior pastor at my church here in Springfield within a day of talking with the friend mentioned above. She was giving me some advice to tuck away for when I have a family of my own. She encouraged me to enjoy every season of my children as they will grow up far to quickly on their own. I began to realize even in that moment that in order for this to be a reality in my future, I need to begin to do this today, in this season. It starts with where I am right now.

As I was sitting in our evening chapel service during Spiritual Emphasis week, I was asking the Lord to help me to live in the present. My dreams of a spouse and children are wonderful, but there is something even now that He has for me. There is purpose in this season and aspects about it that are unique to my singleness alone.

As a daily reminder to remain in the present, to be where I am and be all there, I've decided to stop wearing the promise ring my parents bought me as a young girl. It was a symbol of the promise I decided to make to remain pure until marriage. In choosing not to wear it, I haven't suddenly determined to become sexually active or even to change any of my standards. Rather, I realized that after marriage I will never be without a ring on at least one of my fingers (specifically my left ring finger) ever again.

Every time I reach for my finger to adjust the ring I once wore there, or each time I look down and see both hands without a ring, I am reminded that this season will not last for long and that there is purpose and opportunity that is unique to this season alone. And let me tell you that I am reminded at least ten times each day... Before the end of my first class.

The Lord is helping me to understand that though my dreams are good and God-honoring, I need to manage them so they do not distract from the purposes of the present. Let me share that again... Manage your dreams so they don't become a distraction from your present purposes.

Will the dreams go away or even diminish because you've decided to focus your attention elsewhere? No. But there is a balance we need to be aware of so that we remember the purposes of the season we are still in. Don't miss the opportunities of the now, for we aren't guaranteed to remain in them for tomorrow.

It is frustrating and difficult to manage my dreams rather than choosing to wish that my circumstances were different. It is easier to be upset that God's perfect and Heavenly-minded timing doesn't align with my earth-minded preferences. I often wish I didn't battle questions of insecurity, of being too much of something or not enough of another, wondering if my situation would be different if I were more (fill in the blank). I wish I didn't have to battle the discontentment that comes with waiting on the fruition of a dream. It's easier to be frustrated by my circumstances than to manage my dreams in the waiting period. But I rest in the knowledge that upon looking back I will be far more grateful for the times that I chose to manage my dreams than the times I allowed them to distract me from the opportunities in the present.

Like everything else in life, it's a process. We won't always be successful in each attempt. And that's okay. But I encourage you to claim the victories and celebrate the successes rather than focusing on the lack.

What Do You Answer To?

We have this thing called Spiritual Emphasis Week at my university. It's the second week of each semester where we set aside extra time to spend with the Lord corporately as a campus. We have at least three, sometimes four additional chapels to the three normally scheduled each week. It's something I consistently anticipate and thoroughly enjoy. Before I begin I must ask you to forgive the somewhat scatterbrained thoughts in this post. It is late and I am in a hurry to get to bed, but I felt prompted to share.

I felt the Lord quieting my spirit tonight and beckoning my heart to his. I kept hearing His still, gentle voice patiently requesting that I trust Him.

When you think you've already entrusted everything to Him, it can get quite obnoxious to hear Him only repeating the same request. You're ready to move up and move on because you feel like the challenge was not only already accepted but accomplished!

Yet still He petitioned me.

It wasn't until later tonight as, swept back into the chaotic life of a senior in college, I began to find myself anxious about my future! It took three full hours for me to hear Him whisper through the noise and business of the evening that He still desired I would trust Him.

Talk about a wake up call. Leaving things at the alter only works if you remember to leave them there when you walk out.

I've become very comfortable in trusting Him with many of the smaller challenges. This semester, no problem. The seemingly insurmountable gap between where my finances are currently and where I would prefer to see them, manageable. The different struggles and circumstances I will not only have to face and walk through but also overcome as an RA on my floor this year, totally doable. But the big things like a job I find fulfillment in as I leave the educational world and launch out into the world of careers... Intimidating. Trusting Him to provide me with a husband that I not only choose but will also choose me back... Scary. Not understanding how some of these dreams and desires that He's placed inside of me could ever come to fruition... Absolutely mind boggling.

It was at this point that we began to address the root of some of these fears. Yes, at the core it is a trust issue. But why? What is causing me to doubt His ability to be faithful to me? Why do I fear the fact that my definition of good and His may not always be identical?

And then it hit me. I've been spending my time comparing. It's much less a fear that I am unable to attain some of the things that I've watched in others' lives. I am confident that I am capable of a great marriage, of being a good mother to my children, of having a successful and fulfilling career for whatever amount of time I spend in the full time workforce. The issue was a comparison with the lives of those I didn't desire. What happens if I don't have a job post graduation? What happens if my great marriage doesn't begin until I'm 45? What if... (you fill in the blank)?

Understand me here. It's natural for us to compare ourselves to the lives of those around us. It's in our nature to do so. It doesn't mean for a second that we ought to be doing it, that it's healthy for us, or that we should be doing it. But all of us, at one point or another, have compared something in ourselves to that of another. And this was just my dilemma.

See, I'm not any of those people - good or bad. I'm me. I'm Chelsea Renee VanderVlucht. And I need to look at my future in light of this reality. He has my story. Will it all turn out exactly like I prefer? Maybe not. In fact, I'm quite certain it probably won't. But it's my story, not anyone else's. It's mine alone to claim. And it is not just my right, but my honor to take ownership of it. I can trust Him, because He's already got it. And it's a story unlike any others.

I need to take the pressure off not only myself, but my Creator. It's a story that is already written but so very unknown to me yet. It's an adventure, but it's my adventure to enjoy, to participate in, to learn from, and to live. No one else gets my story. No one. I may meet many along my journey with similar experiences, dreams, or chapters. But my story remains unique to me.

I read a blogpost a few weeks ago written by one of the girls on my floor as a part of the Insecurely Movement. In it she described one of her youth leaders in high school. Each time this girl saw this youth leader, she was reminded out loud who she was.

A Warrior Princess, Bride to the King of the Universe.

... Just let that sink in for a second.

 My story is my own. And I will choose to stand confident in who I am and where He will lead me, because I remember that He calls me out each day by name: Chelsea VanderVlucht, Christ Follower, Warrior Princess, Bride to the King of the Universe. Will I wake up tomorrow morning and need to remind myself of this all over again? Most definitely. I'm embarrassed to even make a guess at the number of times I'll need to do this again even before lunch. But I will do it. Because what I know in my head is what I desire to have so rooted in my heart that every thought, every movement and every word is an overflow of this realization of my identity.

Community Obedience, Personal Conviction, Individual Preferences

I’ve been doing some deep reflecting lately about what I’m looking for out of life and about the stand I take on a variety of controversial issues. I can’t say that I’ve solved all the world’s problems or eliminated the need for debate, but I have come to a few conclusions that I would like to share.

As Christians we use the Bible as our standard of truth. It is our source of direction and guidance as we navigate life and its challenges. Still within the Christian community, I have heard a wide variety of opinions on subjects like homosexuality, alcohol, divorce, abortion and the roles of a husband and wife in marriage. What I’m about to share with you does not justify anyone’s opinion or argument. It is important to recognize that the validity of any belief system needs to be held against the Word of God alone. When you stand before God one day He will hold you accountable for what you have researched, prayed through and found true, not what I’ve told you. With that said…

I believe there is a difference between community Biblical obedience, personal conviction and individual preferences. I’m not suggesting there is more than one truth or that we can pick and choose what we will obey within the Bible. I simply mean that there is a difference between each one of these terms, and I’ve found that a lack of understanding for these concepts has been cause for much confusion and even dissension among believers.

So what do I mean by community Biblical obedience, personal conviction and individual preferences? Well I’m so glad you asked.

First I’ll address Community Biblical Obedience. There are many universal commands in the Bible. These are standards that everyone is to obey as a follower of Christ. For example, the 10 Commandments are for all of us. There’s no debate on that. And I think we could all agree on this. I’ve found the confusion and debate often comes when one doesn’t consider the context of the verse. Let’s look at 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 as an example, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” The context of the verse refers specifically to sexual immorality. Read the surrounding chapters and verses if you don’t believe me. I’ve heard people use this verse as reason that Christians shouldn’t drink, smoke or get tattoos. I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but the point is that each verse of instruction, in it’s original context, is to be obeyed by the entire community of believers. We are all to abstain from sexual immorality because our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. We are commanded to honor Him, in this way, with our bodies.

Lets move on to Personal Conviction. There are specific things the Lord will ask individual believers to refrain from. Often people will quote specific scriptures as the basis for their personal convictions. One such verse is the one I listed above from 1 Corinthians. The original context was speaking specifically to sexual immorality. Does that mean that you cannot apply it beyond that verse to include consuming too much sugar, tobacco, alcohol, or caffeine? No. But those are now at the point of personal convictions. To require the entire community of believers to abide by this standard using this verse as the Biblical basis is to take the scripture out of context.

Let me make it perfectly clear that I am not making a statement about whether or not you should smoke tobacco. I’m not telling you that you should never drink another Starbucks. And I’m not implying you should drink them daily either. The point is context, context, context. There is a difference between universal commands and personal convictions. If the Lord has asked you to abide by a personal conviction and you choose not to, I believe you are being disobedient. I’m simply saying that because He’s spoken that to you it does not give you the right to impose this standard on a fellow brother or sister. It is a personal conviction, not a command for community standards.

And lastly there is personal preference. This has much less to do with support for an argument and everything to do with what you want. For example, I may not believe that chewing tobacco is a moral issue. I may have already prayed through it on the level of community obedience and personal conviction. I still reserve the right not to want to kiss someone who chews if I think it’s a gross habit. That does not make me a bad person; it does not mean I am judging someone who chooses to do so. It is strictly a personal preference. Likewise, if I don’t want my child to grow up inhaling second hand smoke, I reserve the right to stay away from places or people that will smoke around my kid. I’m not a bad person for addressing a clinically proven health issue. It’s simply a personal preference.

I want you to know that we do not get to choose which categories our quandaries fall under. If you come across an issue you don’t understand you must do your due diligence to filter through each “level”. If it is a matter of community Biblical obedience, you do not get to qualify it as a personal preference and call it a day. If it is a personal conviction, you cannot hold it against another follower of Christ as an issue of community obedience. The Lord will make His Word clear to us if only we ask Him to. Spend time in His word. Learn more about the context of the verses we so frequently commit to memory. And remember to be gracious to those around you. When they stand before God, they will be held accountable for their decisions. It is not your place to do so. I know I have more than plenty to worry about in myself to be so occupied with the choices of others. Please remember to keep this balance in your own life as well. There are far too many people on this earth that have never known His love to be so completely consumed with issues like these.

First the Lord

I took some time a few nights ago to simply abide in the Lord and I’ll tell you that I’ve yet to regret every time I’ve made the opportunity to make this happen. I was talking with Him about my heart, about my future family, and asking Him to prepare me for all that He has for me. So He began to reveal something to me about my heart.

I have been blessed with an incredibly amazing earthly father. My dad is my number one fan, an incredible support to me, an excellent sounding board for all my crazy thoughts and ideas, and the greatest earthly covering and protector my heart has yet to know. He is not perfect, but he gives me his absolute best. We’ve spent a lot of time lately talking about relationships, about what I’m looking for in a spouse, about what it looks like to be pursued, etc. My dad has taught me more about the way a man desires to be respected, to be trusted to provide, and how it is truly a good man’s intention to protect his wife and his family. He has told me that one of the very best things I can do someday in my marriage is to give my husband the benefit of the doubt. This does not mean that my husband will be perfect or that there will not come times that I’ll have to communicate ways my heart has been hurt. But this does mean that when I come to him, it would honor him for me to remember that he did not try to hurt me, that his ultimate goal is to protect me, and that he didn’t do this intentionally.

As I was spending time with the Lord that night He began to reveal to me that in order for me to be successful in this concept with my husband someday, I must first be able to trust Him like this. It was revolutionary and completely brilliant! If I cannot trust my Savior to provide for me, to protect me, to have my best interest in mind, and to love me unconditionally I will never be able to do this with an imperfect human. And that’s okay that no human will get it perfect. I will not be perfect either. But my God is true and constant. He will never fail me. It will not always feel this way, and I won’t always be able to see the big picture in the difficult moments. And yet, I can know and trust in His character.

This extends beyond trust. If I do not believe the voice of the Lord when He speaks to my heart of value, of beauty, or the way He cherishes me, then how can I expect to believe it myself or when another person tells me? If I cannot forgive God for the times that it feels that I was held out on, I will have extreme difficulty forgiving others. If I cannot accept the love of my perfect King, I will never be able to rest in the love of a friend, of a husband, or of a family member.

This is not a one time fix. It’s not a quick fix either. Often we don’t believe these things because we’ve been told otherwise. If we’re really being honest, there isn’t a person on this earth without baggage of some kind. My guess is you’ve already had some of yours brought to the forefront of your mind in the time it took you to read to this point. There are some of us with more baggage than others, but we all carry or have carried it at some point.

I encourage you to ask of the Lord for healing. Request restoration. I promise you it is His desire to bring it to you. If you don’t believe me, check out the Bible. It’s not only the overall theme but interwoven into every single story. It’s the journey of freedom.

Tough Love

My previous post eloquently described my new profound knowledge of Moses’ wisdom in the wilderness. I regret to admit it only took me about 36 hours before the luster of my enlightenment had faded completely and I was ready to be through with my wilderness. Let me pause here to give major props to Moses for his patience. I didn’t last two full days leading myself before I was ready to be all done, and Moses made it forty years leading a grumbling peoples. Moses wins.

Now let us back up to where we left off in the last post… I was decidedly remaining with the Lord, wherever He determined to be. And if that meant the wilderness, then so be it.

But then I began to wonder why of all the places in the world the Lord would choose the wilderness? Why couldn’t we then walk hand in hand to the promised land? What God who loves me, cherishes me, protects me and has my best interest in mind would then determine to simply camp out in the wilderness?! Where is the goodness in that?

… It’s here that I’ll inform you that I write a lot. It’s primarily because I think a lot. And sometimes I will think so quickly that I neglect to remember to pause for listening. So to help this unfortunate imperfection, I write. It forces my thoughts to slow down just long enough to let God interrupt me and respond. It’s a wonderful little system He and I have going and if you’re looking for some ideas, that might be a good place to start.

It was while I was writing all these realizations about how not good a good God felt that He stopped me and asked me to contemplate something. When your child comes home from school and tells you that another kid in their class has been picking on them, your first reaction is probably to march yourself into that school the next day and give the little twerp who hurt your kid a good lesson. If they haven’t already figured it out, you’re going to tell them how fantastic your kid is, how they don’t deserve to be picked on, and how you’re going to make sure that their mother finds out about their poor behavior. But even without kids of my own, I am fully aware that is not always the best solution to the problem. As a parent, you can’t fight all your child’s battles for them. You can encourage them, love them, and give them suggestions or advise about how to handle it, but you cannot always save the day in the way you would prefer most to do so. At some point, your kids have to learn to fight their own battles. And while it may be difficult to watch your kid experience discomfort or pain, you know it is for their betterment. As a parent you can see the big picture.

It was at this point that I began to see what the Lord was up to. I was picking up what He was putting down... He was the parent, and I was the kid. And while it may feel like I am being held out on, like I’m not being provided for or protected like I ought to by my Dad, He can see the big picture. And while this pain still doesn’t feel like it has purpose, or like I couldn’t have learned some of these same things in far different ways, it is preparing me for something He wants to do through me. And whatever that is, I’ll have needed this season in the wilderness to be ready.

Does that make this season any easier? No. Does it add a little more purpose and understanding to it? I think so. My prayer is that it will do the same for you.

The Wilderness

Lately I feel as if every time I turn around, I’m reminded of Exodus 33. It can be from a song on the radio, something a friend or family member says, etc. Regardless of how it happens, it seems to be a relevant theme in my world. A little bit of context: the Israelites are in the wilderness, and Moses has just recently descended from a literal mountain top experience with the Lord. Out of frustration with the Israelites’ unfaithfulness to the Himself, the Lord commands Moses to take the Israelites up toward the promise land but tells Moses that He will not be going with them. It’s here that Moses begins to plead with the Lord. In verse 15 (NLT) he is even so bold as to say, “If you do not personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place.”

I used to simply think that Moses was a wise man for knowing that the Lord’s presence was the best place for the Israelite people to be. I mean it makes sense, right? Creator of the universe, all-powerful King of everything, the Great Provider, etc… You get the point. God is one cool dude. But the other day I began to realize something about the story I had never noticed before.

The Israelites were in the wilderness.

I know. How could I miss it? It’s only their location… Still I’d only ever considered the story in light of where they were going. I’d never thought about where they were. So lets talk about it for a second.

The wilderness. On my study trip to the Middle East in 2012 I experienced it first hand. It’s pretty depleted of natural resources - at least the ones that sustain life such as water, shelter and food. Lets also keep in mind the Israelites were a huge group of people, requiring a massive quantity of these very basic resources each day.

If you know much about the 40 years of wandering, you are probably already aware that God provided for His people. They ate manna each day and had water miraculously every time it was needed. But it was still the wilderness! It was the same thing for every meal every day of every week. Now I don’t know about you, but there have been enough of these seasons in my life for me to know that God will always provide. Even so, there still remains many a moment in such a season where I am literally just getting by. And I’m going to guess that in the wilderness, the Israelites were just getting by. Where they were headed was a land of prosperity, a land flowing with milk and honey, a land God promised to His people. Where they currently found themselves was a place where everything was directly the opposite.

Yet Moses tells the Lord that he does not want to be sent up from the wilderness into a land of prosperity if the Lord does not go with them. … Just let that sink in for a moment. What Moses truly just said was, “I would rather stay in a place of suffering and know that the Lord is with us than inherit a land of prosperity without the Lord beside us.” What a statement!

This stand that Moses makes has really encouraged me to remain faithful to the Lord through a season of what feels like a version of my own wilderness. The time of wandering for the Israelites was indefinite. There was no foreseeable end in sight. Yet Moses had the wisdom to stay with the Lord in a wilderness instead of walking into the land of promise without Him. 

"Almost" by Ezekiel Azonwu

I heard this really incredible spoken word a while ago and thought it was post worthy. Often times spoken word is delivered so quickly that we miss a significant amount of it’s goodness, so take a quick second and be challenged by the power of in “Almost.” Included at the bottom of the post is the link to the YouTube video. If you can’t click on it, you can copy and paste it to your web browser.

“Almost” by Ezekiel Azonwu

One of the most dangerous terms in English diction…

If it could be translated into audio it would sound like,

“pbb-bb-bb-bb,” from the saxophone of Lisa Simpson.

Two words designed and strategically combined

To form the biggest oxymoron in the history of mankind:

ALL-MOST.

But see, as far as the world's concerned, you could live your life vile

And could almost get away with murder if you had a nice smile.

You could almost meet folks just to almost sleep around

And stop at your local clinic where you almost had a child.

See, 'almost' is no stranger to Satan. Here's proof:

He only tells lies when they're almost the truth,

And it's amazing. In our incompleteness we find complacence.

But if “almost” is one of Lucifer's many traits

Then we are inadvertently good Satan impersonations.

But on the contrary, Christ did his job fully.

And He proved He was God when He died on the cross like it was His duty.

And to pardon my iniquities that I committed rudely,

He resurrected from the grave just to tell death to excuse me.

But excuse me, this is your life and that's something I can't impose on.

But your body is God's home, which was a loan about to get foreclosed on.

See, an almost Christian looks right but lives wrong,

Can't stand the conviction in Romans so they sit down to be comforted in Psalms,

Never understood worship but loved to sing songs like, “I surrender all… MOST.”

Cuz it's far too expensive to spend your life on something that doesn't appeal to your five senses.

See, nowadays, Christianity is like a Louis rag--

No function or use, but we just rock it cuz it's stylish.

Not righteous, but right-ish.

So now all God sees is a pile of ISHmael's when He intended for Isaac's.

And we're moved by how we feel so we're saved when we feel like it,

So technically we've never really been saved we merely tried it.

So no wonder why we're never sold out when we return it after we buy it.

Let me break it down because you need to beware

That your life could lack the very standards that need to be there.

Cuz on that final day of judgment while God's receiving His heir

Will He say, “Son, well done or [spits] medium rare!”

Cuz even by earthly standards it would be highly insane

To start spending all of your money days before you almost get paid.

Like parents, you wouldn't send your kids to a school that's almost safe.

And ladies, would you really date a man who claims he's almost straight?

And this is the very thing about God that we all try to get around.

But His standards are like between two mountains--no middle ground.

So a halfway life is unprofitable to you

Cuz after all the Sunday service, Bible studies, and prayer meetings,

And everything that goes between, God will say I never knew you.

But that's not even the worst part of living your life as neutral.

It's that you were once arctic but it is your luke warmness that is causing Him to spew you.

And this is the very thing that had me.

I was bound and held down by the unforgiving gravity of my spiritual reality.

I was a Christian, or at least I portrayed the fantasy,

With a filthy personal life but a "God bless you brother, how you doin' sister?" personality.

I was a mail enveloped by guilt because I was stamped a sinner.

I said I was a mail enveloped by guilt because I was stamped a sinner.

My message couldn't be received because I didn't represent the sender. Yet I was almost delivered,

Till that one day when I totally, absolutely and completely surrendered.

I took heed to a modern prophet who proclaimed it was time for change.

Now I'm no longer bound to sin--point-blank off the chain.

You can ask Umar Abdul Mutallab. He'll tell you the same--

You don't almost go to jail when you almost blow up a plane,

Like you don't almost go to hell when you almost get saved.

Despised the cross that He was slain and thus the cause in which He came.

But don't worry I'm almost done. But before I leave this stage,

We have all worked in sin and death was minimum wage.

I said we’ve all worked in sin and death was minimum wage,

But if it wasn't for Christ we would have almost got paid.

http://youtu.be/ZqfU3OFNZA0

Focus: It determines your direction

I want to take some time and talk about focus. My home church in Toledo does a winter retreat every February for our youth group. It’s called Avalanche. And it’s the coolest place on earth to be for that weekend every year.

Over the years the Sunday morning activity has become a tradition and the most anticipated time of the entire weekend. It is dedicated entirely to the students’ testimonies. They are given an opportunity to share what has happened in their lives throughout the weekend and I’ve found it serves not only as an encouragement for others in the room but also as a major solidifying moment for the individual sharing. And let me tell you there are few moments in my life that have been as amazing as watching a room full of 7-12^th graders along with all the adult leaders listening to a scrawny little 7^th grader talking about the way God rocked their world that weekend. I digress…

It was a number of years ago that I shared this, but it is a concept that has stuck with me. Many of students were sharing places they’d come from and about removing themselves from situations that would cause them to stumble. Then this concept of focus came to my mind.

There’s an old hymn entitled, “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus.” The lyrics of the chorus read, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” Growing up I didn’t always understand what this meant. Yes I can focus on Christ, but I can’t very well ignore everything else around me, you know? I mean the struggle is real, regardless of where we’re looking.

But I began to realize that focus doesn’t mean ignorance. On the contrary focus is entirely aware of obstacles, for without obstacles or distractions focus is not necessary.

Satan has this really tricky habit of shifting our focus, making us believe we’re focused on the right thing when in fact it’s just enough to lead us in the wrong direction. How often have we told ourselves over and over again that we were not going to do something? For example: people who are dieting focus on not eating sweets. I’m not implying that cookies are the root of all evil here, but I am saying the concept is applicable. We believe it’s beneficial because we’re focused, and what we’re focused on is a just cause! But it is actually the very thing that leads us astray.

This is extremely evident when people are driving. It’s with good reason that we are taught to focus on the road, for your focus will dictate your direction. If you’re looking straight ahead, you’ll more than likely get there. But lets say you were trying to drive straight while focusing on something to your left. You may not begin to turn directly to the left but the odds are that you are no longer driving completely straight down the road either. This same concept can be directly applied to our lives. If you are focused on what not to do, you probably won’t find yourself where you wanted to be. But if you can fix your gaze on what you are to do, your odds will increase dramatically.

If you focus on not pushing the physical boundaries in your relationship, or not getting drunk with your friends, or not eating sweets, your mind is constantly focused on something negative. And you’ll find yourself walking there before you know it. You walk where you’re looking. But if you focus on living a God-honoring life, a life that exhibits worship to Him in all that you do, and healthy eating habits, you will walk exactly there. If you focus on your fears, you’ll find yourself in the thick of them every time. If you focus on the promises and the truths of your Heavenly Father, you’ll find yourself walking in the strength He provides. You walk where you’re looking.

This is not to say you become completely ignorant of any distraction or obstacle. This does not mean you will never again face fears or great challenges. But this does mean you know where to look to overcome them. You will be far more successful to look toward the light than to focus on avoiding the darkness. Your focus determines your direction.

Check On Perspective

It is safe to say that last night was a difficult night. I have found I’m beginning to regret knowing the exact number of days until I head home, knowing that instead of a summer filled with wedding planning ahead of me, I have a summer filled with many difficult moments. And I admit it feels as if it is approaching more rapidly with each passing day.

As I lay there last night trying to fall asleep, I could feel how broken and how hurt my heart was. I’ll take this moment to state for the record that it was not a pretty feeling. I was getting frustrated and even upset that I am walking through this season. I was beginning to wonder where God’s protection and provision was in my life that I could be in this season at all. Life hadn’t come through for me like I expected it to. All the ways I had been waiting on God to prove Himself faithful, to step in and to provide for me hadn’t happen. In fact, just the opposite had happened. Instead of holding on through the circumstances, I was told to let go. Instead of fighting through and trusting Him to provide what was needed, I was asked to step back. And I was very confused.

Then I felt the Lord speak softly to my heart. I got this picture in my mind of me laying there on the top bunk of my bed at the seminary with the Lord’s wing of protection over me. It wasn’t touching me and I couldn’t feel it, but I could see it. I knew that it was there.

I began to realize that though my circumstance was not something I would have chosen, I was right where I needed to be. Though I was confused, hurt, and disappointed that my mind could not wrap itself around how I found myself in this season, it did not mean I wasn’t being provided for. Just because the protection wasn’t how I had imagined it would be didn’t mean that it was nonexistent. And for that moment, though it felt completely exposed to the elements of life, on that uncomfortable, unstable, lofted bed my heart was in the safest place it could be in all the earth.

I guess the point that I am really trying to make here is that just because we cannot see the protection or the provision doesn’t mean it isn’t happening... Could it even be that in what feels like some of our darkest moments, we are actually entering the light? Just because we didn’t get the happy ending we envisioned to our circumstance doesn’t mean that one doesn’t exist. Rather it may simply be quite different and farther down the path than we originally believed it to be.

Be willing to believe in something you cannot see in the moment. Regardless of where it is that you find yourself, trust the process. It will undoubtedly have seasons of pain and I can promise you that. But my challenge to you is to walk through your life understanding that your perspective of your circumstance is not the only perspective. 

Everything In Time

I took a walk around the countryside today and was talking with the Lord about my future. I love to dream about the future, where I’ll find myself someday, the adventures along the way, the people I’ll be able to meet, the experiences I’ll have, etc. I truly believe that life is this fantastic adventure and each day carries with it the opportunity for “game changing” moments, or completely unforeseen circumstances. I’ve also found that being reminded of where I want to go is some of the best medicine for staying motivated through the ruts of today.

Anyways, like all good future planners, I began to think through a tentative time-line. I wasn’t going for anything set in stone or unchangeable, but just a healthy recognition that goals ought to be time-oriented. It was at this point the Lord started teaching me...

He has been reminding me each day of His faithfulness to me. I can often be caught saying, “He will always outdo me in faithfulness,” and I truly believe it. Because of this, I’ve been working on my faithfulness to Him – holding on through the thick and the thin, believing and standing on what I know to be true even when it doesn’t feel like it is exhibiting itself in my life at the moment, etc. And the Lord began to lead my thoughts down a path that went like this…

First I thought about how difficult life can be after big life moments. It can be difficult to have faith immediately following the loss of a loved one, upon getting a diagnosis at the doctor you weren’t expecting, when you’re walking through an incredibly stressful or busy season of life, etc. Those moments are difficult and often devastating. It is a choice to remain faithful and stand on the promises of the Lord when the earth feels like it’s falling out from right under your feet.

Then I thought about how in these big life moments, our friends and family will gather and rally around us, encouraging us and helping us find a way to make it through each day. So while yes, it is still a choice to be faithful and stand on His promises, we generally have such a strong support system. When the difficulty really seems to “level up” is after the noise has faded, the crowds seem to have gone home, and the true assessment of the damages starts to really sink in.  It’s in these moments that we begin to realize that no one can fix this for us. We can be encouraged, but we are the only ones able to do the digging in this trench. And here we find ourselves at another opportunity to choose.

Let me preface this next part by saying that I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about how relative time is. Take my freshman year of high school for example… Some moments it feels like I was walking through those doors for the first time yesterday and yet at other times it can feel like it was 100 years ago. I’ve thought about how 5 more minutes of a snooze in the morning seems far shorter than the last 5 minutes of my classes. I’ve recognized that all cultures operate on a standard of time, and I’ve realized that the older we get, the better we are able to grasp this concept of time: how short or long a year truly is, how old 30 really is, etc. Time is learned with time, and thus we have our very best concept of time at the very end of our lives.

This is all going to tie together. I promise… I wouldn’t truly be a woman if I didn’t web, opening up at least five tabs at once, only to show you how they really all do relate to each other!

It was at this point in my walk that the Lord began teaching me more about time, about difficult seasons in life, and about faithfulness. As finite beings, we are forced to operate on a timeline. We have no way to wrap our minds around a concept of life that exist beyond one. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Because of this, we often set boundaries for ourselves, gauging what ought to be deemed the beginning, the middle and the end of a circumstance. I see people doing this in their lives all the time, some consciously and others unconsciously. How often have you heard, “I just didn’t expect it to still be this difficult?” or “I thought I would be over him/her by now?” or “I thought by this point in life, I’d be at ‘X’ place (fill in the blank).” And this, my friends, is where we often unknowingly get ourselves into a pickle.

We know that life will bring about difficult seasons. We know there will be seasons we cannot initially foresee the process through or the end of. And with this, most of us have learned to be okay. Eventually we will know.

What gets us into trouble is when our expectations of time become definite - when we find ourselves expecting things we had no business expecting because there was no true way to measure its accuracy. I’m not saying don’t set goals. I’m not saying don’t stick to your goals because they get difficult. What I am saying is to allow your faithfulness to extend beyond your timeline.

It’s not about our timeline. It never has been. And if for you it still is about your timeline… Well then you’ve probably got a few more lessons in order before you try to tackle this one.

The Lord’s faithfulness to us is timeless. It always has been, it still is, and it always will be. It never changes.

I’m an imperfect human and thus I’m incapable of producing that kind of faithfulness. However, what I can learn to do is allow my faithfulness to grow beyond my timeline. It’s not about when things have finished, or when others ought to be beginning. It’s about faithfulness in the little things throughout the entire process.

Enjoy planning your timelines, but remember they are just that: plans. What matters is not even so much what ultimately follows, but rather the way in which you follow.

Grey Dots And Gold Stars

My mom used to read my sister and I a bedtime story each night before we went to sleep. One she frequently read to us was a book by Max Lucado entitled “You Are Special.” The premise of this book was about a town of little wooden people who spent their days sticking stickers on all of the other little wooden people. If you were talented or beautiful or smart, people would give you a gold star. But if you were clumsy or your paint was chipped and your wood was scratched, people would give you a grey dot. The story follows this little wooden person who is terribly sad about all of the grey dots he’s been given. He was so upset about it that he would try so very hard to stay inside so that no one would see him and give him another dot!

Well, one day he met a girl who didn’t have any dots or stars. He was curious about how this could be, so he followed her to find out why. It turns out she went each day to see the woodcarver who lived on a hill just above the town of wooden people. He reminded her each time she went to see him that he had made her with intentionality and with love. The result was that regardless of what the wooden people thought of her, the stickers they tried to give her (of either kind) just wouldn’t stick!

If you want to find out what happened to our new little friend, you can feel free to read the book yourself. What I want to talk about right now is this concept of labels and names that we claim over our lives.

After looking at this book, I think everyone would agree that we shouldn’t claim lies over our lives. I think everyone would agree that positive self-talk really can make a difference. I think everyone would agree that speaking good things over our lives and having encouragement is vitally important.

Well, what about those really rough days? What about those days, weeks, or even months that we feel worthless, unloved, taken advantage of, cheated, lonely, or just downright awful? What if someone else really believes that we are some or all of those things? What if we really believe that we are those things?

I’ve had a few life events recently that have really done a number on my heart. It’s left me feeling at times that I can’t be loved, that I’m too strong willed, that I’m unworthy, and I’ve had to wrestle a lot with loneliness. I’ve struggled with doubt, with fear, with heartbreak, with frustration and with an inability to see what my future holds. And all the while, I’ve come back to this concept that I shouldn’t be allowing these thoughts.

Well that’s great and nice, but what exactly am I to do with all of them? They’re real. They come from somewhere. And if I’m having them and they’re effecting me so deeply, aren’t they based on some sort of truth?

I think so very often we push these thoughts aside, trying to suppress them or pretend that they aren’t real. We shove them in a box, in a closet, tuck them away deep in our hearts and pretend they never happened. And rather than face them, we fear them. Rather than acknowledging that they exist, that these thoughts are real, we ignore them and think they’ll magically dissipate due to neglect.

This is not the answer. This is not the way we overcome. And neglect is not the victory we truly seek.

It looks differently for each person, but the challenge is to face these thoughts. Don’t hide from them. Confront them. Determine where they come from. Allow the Lord the freedom to uncover the wounds in your heart that whisper these things to you. Replace them with the truths that your Heavenly Father and your Savior speak over you each day and allow His voice to become stronger.

Right now for me, that means I write out my fears, my anxieties, and the thoughts that would hold me back. For a bit of perspective, I’ve had to write the same things out every day for the last 3 weeks. But each day, it gets easier. And after I’ve listed these things, I assign each of them a truth the Lord will bring about in my life. When I’m feeling unloved, I remember the way He loves me. When I feel unworthy, I remember that He is going to use me in spite of myself for His glory. When I feel lonely, I remember that He has promised me I will never walk alone. And though I may in that moment feel alone, I know that I am not. The thoughts are real, but so is the victory.

The girl in the story I started with didn’t have any stickers: no grey dots, no gold stars. She was able to see herself through the eyes of her creator rather than her own eyes or the eyes of the people around her. And she went back to the woodcarver every day to be reminded. It’s not a one-time fix all, as each day will bring new challenges. But a life whose value isn’t determined by the stickers is a life lived freely.

What to do with all the questions...

I ask a lot of questions. I absolutely love to learn new things and I have a high value for understanding things. I want to know where I’m going, why I’m there, what is the purpose behind it, etc. Some of my questions are audible, others are more internal, but trust me when I tell you that I ask a lot of questions. For anyone that is still questioning where this post is going... Just don’t worry about it. If you haven’t figured it out by this point, come back for my next post.

I’m in Paris, France right now and have been spending a lot of time in the museums. I enjoy art and culture, but the amount of time we’re given in each museum usually leaves me with a little bit of free time to talk to the Lord. I’ve found the quantity of constant questions in my head and heart have only been increasing recently. I’ve had to go back to the very roots of everything I’ve been standing on for my future and rediscover what I should be doing. And let me tell you… It’s quite a process.

But writing in the museum this afternoon and talking with the Lord, I came upon a new discovery. We “broke through a wall,” if you will. I’ve always known that my God is bigger than my questions. I know that He already has the answer to my questions. I know that in His timing, He will guide and direct me in the ways that I should go. I know that He will remain faithful to me through my questions and that He can handle all of my questions.

Today, however, I began to learn to entrust Him with my questions. He knows my questions. He cares about my questions. And thus, my questions are His questions. I don’t mean that He doesn’t already have the answers or that He doesn’t have everything figured out. What I mean is that my cares are His cares. The desires of my heart are what He desires for me. It’s beyond knowing that He’s bigger than my questions. It goes beyond asking Him my questions and patiently understanding His timing for the answers. It’s laying down my questions at His feet and standing confidently on the knowledge that we share the process.

Sometimes I think we get this idea in our heads that God stands somewhere at the end of this great maze and shouts out the answers to our lives as we need them. Turn left here. Walk straight there. Follow the curve around here. But I don’t believe this is the way He’s intended for us to live. I believe that He’s walking these questions through with me, not sitting at some great distance and simply shouting out the answers. I believe this is what He wants to do, and asks earnestly that we would let Him.

It can be scary to have questions. When I find myself in an unfamiliar place or a place that makes me uncomfortable I tend to draw into myself. You could call it a “turtle-effect” of sorts. Others of us find ourselves running to the nearest tangible distraction. Anyways, I believe the Lord doesn’t move himself off in the distance; we put Him there.

And while walking in the knowledge that you don’t have all the answers will take courage, I want you to know that it is worth it. The loneliness of the questions can only creep in when you choose to walk alone.

So I’ve decided to entrust my questions to the Lord, and invite Him to walk this through beside me. I know that some of the questions I’ve asked will be answered directly and in His timing. It’s bound to be that some of my questions won’t be answered because I’ve been unknowingly asking the wrong questions. I know that others still will lead me, at first, to more questions. But like I’ve mentioned before, this is a process. And that is okay.

So here's to not simply including Him in the conversation of our questions, but entrusting Him with our questions. Here's to not walking this through alone. And here's to the adventure that awaits us all!

Waiting on the Waiting Period

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. He was going to buy a ring while I was away on a study trip to Europe with my university, but I told him that I couldn’t be his wife and asked him not to buy the ring. Now don’t worry; the details of the relationship or the drama of my emotions are not the purpose for the post. Those thoughts are for my personal journal and alone times with the Lord who is an ever patient and listening ear. Instead I want to talk about what I’ve been learning about waiting on the waiting period.

I know, it sounds a little strange. Let me give a little background… I thought this guy was going to be my husband and I had gotten very good at waiting for the right timing as I believed I already had the right guy. But as of this moment, there is a lot I no longer know. In fact sometimes it feels like I know more of what I don’t know that what I actually do know. Are you tracking with me?

Anyways, I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for anymore. I’ve taken time and will continue to pray about what I value in a man that would be my husband, but I don’t know if the homeslice actually exists or not. If he does, I certainly don’t know who he is. It’s not my job to find him. In fact, I get to go on adventures, live life and look pretty knowing that when the timing is right he will find me. But I’ve got to be completely honest with you... I haven’t known how to do that since I was 16. That’s right. 16. As in the years of age… Now I’m not that old. I know that. But let us just consider then how long ago that feels at still so young a stage of life! I was a different person at 16!

So I find that I’m waiting on the waiting period, meaning I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for. And that’s okay. If there is one thing I’ve learned and now know from the last few months of my life it is that life is frequently not okay. And it is perfectly okay to not be okay. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t confuse not being okay with a right to immaturity and stupid actions. They are not one in the same or interchangeable. But it is okay to realize that for this season of time you are not okay.

Secondly, I’ve also been learning that to stand on God’s promise of faithfulness is not easy and a decision that is made in my world multiple times each day. Asking God questions is not doubting Him or His faithfulness. If you believe it is, try reading the Psalms and tell me how David is still known as the man after God’s own heart… Relying on your own understanding or allowing yourself to make decisions based on a fear or out of doubt of God’s perfect plan is a different story. So right now it means shoring up a lot of areas in my life that would normally not even be a problem. For example, I’m in one of the most romantic city in the world right now and I will not allow myself to listen to the classics (Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, Jimmy Durante, etc.). I know it will lead my heart to places it doesn’t need to be in this season of my life. Instead, I haven’t turned off the worship music. But it’s a decision I have to make each time I get on the metro and turn on my iPod. I must consciously choose again and again to guard my heart and keep it from places that would cause me to begin to doubt God’s faithfulness to me, even if those places are normally harmless.

There are many more lessons that I’m sure I will learn about this season of my life. I was taught a long time ago that a smooth sea never made a skillful mariner, and I will face what I must in order to gain the skills I will need for the future. God is never late and rarely early, but I know that when I need the next step He will be faithful and guide me. There is a reason, though I cannot see or understand it, for not having all of the answers right now. I trust in His wisdom and work to show myself faithful to the One who has always been faithful to me.

So for now, I’m waiting on the waiting period. And if you happen to find yourself there, take heart and know that someday this too shall pass.