Check On Perspective

It is safe to say that last night was a difficult night. I have found I’m beginning to regret knowing the exact number of days until I head home, knowing that instead of a summer filled with wedding planning ahead of me, I have a summer filled with many difficult moments. And I admit it feels as if it is approaching more rapidly with each passing day.

As I lay there last night trying to fall asleep, I could feel how broken and how hurt my heart was. I’ll take this moment to state for the record that it was not a pretty feeling. I was getting frustrated and even upset that I am walking through this season. I was beginning to wonder where God’s protection and provision was in my life that I could be in this season at all. Life hadn’t come through for me like I expected it to. All the ways I had been waiting on God to prove Himself faithful, to step in and to provide for me hadn’t happen. In fact, just the opposite had happened. Instead of holding on through the circumstances, I was told to let go. Instead of fighting through and trusting Him to provide what was needed, I was asked to step back. And I was very confused.

Then I felt the Lord speak softly to my heart. I got this picture in my mind of me laying there on the top bunk of my bed at the seminary with the Lord’s wing of protection over me. It wasn’t touching me and I couldn’t feel it, but I could see it. I knew that it was there.

I began to realize that though my circumstance was not something I would have chosen, I was right where I needed to be. Though I was confused, hurt, and disappointed that my mind could not wrap itself around how I found myself in this season, it did not mean I wasn’t being provided for. Just because the protection wasn’t how I had imagined it would be didn’t mean that it was nonexistent. And for that moment, though it felt completely exposed to the elements of life, on that uncomfortable, unstable, lofted bed my heart was in the safest place it could be in all the earth.

I guess the point that I am really trying to make here is that just because we cannot see the protection or the provision doesn’t mean it isn’t happening... Could it even be that in what feels like some of our darkest moments, we are actually entering the light? Just because we didn’t get the happy ending we envisioned to our circumstance doesn’t mean that one doesn’t exist. Rather it may simply be quite different and farther down the path than we originally believed it to be.

Be willing to believe in something you cannot see in the moment. Regardless of where it is that you find yourself, trust the process. It will undoubtedly have seasons of pain and I can promise you that. But my challenge to you is to walk through your life understanding that your perspective of your circumstance is not the only perspective. 

Everything In Time

I took a walk around the countryside today and was talking with the Lord about my future. I love to dream about the future, where I’ll find myself someday, the adventures along the way, the people I’ll be able to meet, the experiences I’ll have, etc. I truly believe that life is this fantastic adventure and each day carries with it the opportunity for “game changing” moments, or completely unforeseen circumstances. I’ve also found that being reminded of where I want to go is some of the best medicine for staying motivated through the ruts of today.

Anyways, like all good future planners, I began to think through a tentative time-line. I wasn’t going for anything set in stone or unchangeable, but just a healthy recognition that goals ought to be time-oriented. It was at this point the Lord started teaching me...

He has been reminding me each day of His faithfulness to me. I can often be caught saying, “He will always outdo me in faithfulness,” and I truly believe it. Because of this, I’ve been working on my faithfulness to Him – holding on through the thick and the thin, believing and standing on what I know to be true even when it doesn’t feel like it is exhibiting itself in my life at the moment, etc. And the Lord began to lead my thoughts down a path that went like this…

First I thought about how difficult life can be after big life moments. It can be difficult to have faith immediately following the loss of a loved one, upon getting a diagnosis at the doctor you weren’t expecting, when you’re walking through an incredibly stressful or busy season of life, etc. Those moments are difficult and often devastating. It is a choice to remain faithful and stand on the promises of the Lord when the earth feels like it’s falling out from right under your feet.

Then I thought about how in these big life moments, our friends and family will gather and rally around us, encouraging us and helping us find a way to make it through each day. So while yes, it is still a choice to be faithful and stand on His promises, we generally have such a strong support system. When the difficulty really seems to “level up” is after the noise has faded, the crowds seem to have gone home, and the true assessment of the damages starts to really sink in.  It’s in these moments that we begin to realize that no one can fix this for us. We can be encouraged, but we are the only ones able to do the digging in this trench. And here we find ourselves at another opportunity to choose.

Let me preface this next part by saying that I’ve done a lot of thinking lately about how relative time is. Take my freshman year of high school for example… Some moments it feels like I was walking through those doors for the first time yesterday and yet at other times it can feel like it was 100 years ago. I’ve thought about how 5 more minutes of a snooze in the morning seems far shorter than the last 5 minutes of my classes. I’ve recognized that all cultures operate on a standard of time, and I’ve realized that the older we get, the better we are able to grasp this concept of time: how short or long a year truly is, how old 30 really is, etc. Time is learned with time, and thus we have our very best concept of time at the very end of our lives.

This is all going to tie together. I promise… I wouldn’t truly be a woman if I didn’t web, opening up at least five tabs at once, only to show you how they really all do relate to each other!

It was at this point in my walk that the Lord began teaching me more about time, about difficult seasons in life, and about faithfulness. As finite beings, we are forced to operate on a timeline. We have no way to wrap our minds around a concept of life that exist beyond one. Everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Because of this, we often set boundaries for ourselves, gauging what ought to be deemed the beginning, the middle and the end of a circumstance. I see people doing this in their lives all the time, some consciously and others unconsciously. How often have you heard, “I just didn’t expect it to still be this difficult?” or “I thought I would be over him/her by now?” or “I thought by this point in life, I’d be at ‘X’ place (fill in the blank).” And this, my friends, is where we often unknowingly get ourselves into a pickle.

We know that life will bring about difficult seasons. We know there will be seasons we cannot initially foresee the process through or the end of. And with this, most of us have learned to be okay. Eventually we will know.

What gets us into trouble is when our expectations of time become definite - when we find ourselves expecting things we had no business expecting because there was no true way to measure its accuracy. I’m not saying don’t set goals. I’m not saying don’t stick to your goals because they get difficult. What I am saying is to allow your faithfulness to extend beyond your timeline.

It’s not about our timeline. It never has been. And if for you it still is about your timeline… Well then you’ve probably got a few more lessons in order before you try to tackle this one.

The Lord’s faithfulness to us is timeless. It always has been, it still is, and it always will be. It never changes.

I’m an imperfect human and thus I’m incapable of producing that kind of faithfulness. However, what I can learn to do is allow my faithfulness to grow beyond my timeline. It’s not about when things have finished, or when others ought to be beginning. It’s about faithfulness in the little things throughout the entire process.

Enjoy planning your timelines, but remember they are just that: plans. What matters is not even so much what ultimately follows, but rather the way in which you follow.

Grey Dots And Gold Stars

My mom used to read my sister and I a bedtime story each night before we went to sleep. One she frequently read to us was a book by Max Lucado entitled “You Are Special.” The premise of this book was about a town of little wooden people who spent their days sticking stickers on all of the other little wooden people. If you were talented or beautiful or smart, people would give you a gold star. But if you were clumsy or your paint was chipped and your wood was scratched, people would give you a grey dot. The story follows this little wooden person who is terribly sad about all of the grey dots he’s been given. He was so upset about it that he would try so very hard to stay inside so that no one would see him and give him another dot!

Well, one day he met a girl who didn’t have any dots or stars. He was curious about how this could be, so he followed her to find out why. It turns out she went each day to see the woodcarver who lived on a hill just above the town of wooden people. He reminded her each time she went to see him that he had made her with intentionality and with love. The result was that regardless of what the wooden people thought of her, the stickers they tried to give her (of either kind) just wouldn’t stick!

If you want to find out what happened to our new little friend, you can feel free to read the book yourself. What I want to talk about right now is this concept of labels and names that we claim over our lives.

After looking at this book, I think everyone would agree that we shouldn’t claim lies over our lives. I think everyone would agree that positive self-talk really can make a difference. I think everyone would agree that speaking good things over our lives and having encouragement is vitally important.

Well, what about those really rough days? What about those days, weeks, or even months that we feel worthless, unloved, taken advantage of, cheated, lonely, or just downright awful? What if someone else really believes that we are some or all of those things? What if we really believe that we are those things?

I’ve had a few life events recently that have really done a number on my heart. It’s left me feeling at times that I can’t be loved, that I’m too strong willed, that I’m unworthy, and I’ve had to wrestle a lot with loneliness. I’ve struggled with doubt, with fear, with heartbreak, with frustration and with an inability to see what my future holds. And all the while, I’ve come back to this concept that I shouldn’t be allowing these thoughts.

Well that’s great and nice, but what exactly am I to do with all of them? They’re real. They come from somewhere. And if I’m having them and they’re effecting me so deeply, aren’t they based on some sort of truth?

I think so very often we push these thoughts aside, trying to suppress them or pretend that they aren’t real. We shove them in a box, in a closet, tuck them away deep in our hearts and pretend they never happened. And rather than face them, we fear them. Rather than acknowledging that they exist, that these thoughts are real, we ignore them and think they’ll magically dissipate due to neglect.

This is not the answer. This is not the way we overcome. And neglect is not the victory we truly seek.

It looks differently for each person, but the challenge is to face these thoughts. Don’t hide from them. Confront them. Determine where they come from. Allow the Lord the freedom to uncover the wounds in your heart that whisper these things to you. Replace them with the truths that your Heavenly Father and your Savior speak over you each day and allow His voice to become stronger.

Right now for me, that means I write out my fears, my anxieties, and the thoughts that would hold me back. For a bit of perspective, I’ve had to write the same things out every day for the last 3 weeks. But each day, it gets easier. And after I’ve listed these things, I assign each of them a truth the Lord will bring about in my life. When I’m feeling unloved, I remember the way He loves me. When I feel unworthy, I remember that He is going to use me in spite of myself for His glory. When I feel lonely, I remember that He has promised me I will never walk alone. And though I may in that moment feel alone, I know that I am not. The thoughts are real, but so is the victory.

The girl in the story I started with didn’t have any stickers: no grey dots, no gold stars. She was able to see herself through the eyes of her creator rather than her own eyes or the eyes of the people around her. And she went back to the woodcarver every day to be reminded. It’s not a one-time fix all, as each day will bring new challenges. But a life whose value isn’t determined by the stickers is a life lived freely.

What to do with all the questions...

I ask a lot of questions. I absolutely love to learn new things and I have a high value for understanding things. I want to know where I’m going, why I’m there, what is the purpose behind it, etc. Some of my questions are audible, others are more internal, but trust me when I tell you that I ask a lot of questions. For anyone that is still questioning where this post is going... Just don’t worry about it. If you haven’t figured it out by this point, come back for my next post.

I’m in Paris, France right now and have been spending a lot of time in the museums. I enjoy art and culture, but the amount of time we’re given in each museum usually leaves me with a little bit of free time to talk to the Lord. I’ve found the quantity of constant questions in my head and heart have only been increasing recently. I’ve had to go back to the very roots of everything I’ve been standing on for my future and rediscover what I should be doing. And let me tell you… It’s quite a process.

But writing in the museum this afternoon and talking with the Lord, I came upon a new discovery. We “broke through a wall,” if you will. I’ve always known that my God is bigger than my questions. I know that He already has the answer to my questions. I know that in His timing, He will guide and direct me in the ways that I should go. I know that He will remain faithful to me through my questions and that He can handle all of my questions.

Today, however, I began to learn to entrust Him with my questions. He knows my questions. He cares about my questions. And thus, my questions are His questions. I don’t mean that He doesn’t already have the answers or that He doesn’t have everything figured out. What I mean is that my cares are His cares. The desires of my heart are what He desires for me. It’s beyond knowing that He’s bigger than my questions. It goes beyond asking Him my questions and patiently understanding His timing for the answers. It’s laying down my questions at His feet and standing confidently on the knowledge that we share the process.

Sometimes I think we get this idea in our heads that God stands somewhere at the end of this great maze and shouts out the answers to our lives as we need them. Turn left here. Walk straight there. Follow the curve around here. But I don’t believe this is the way He’s intended for us to live. I believe that He’s walking these questions through with me, not sitting at some great distance and simply shouting out the answers. I believe this is what He wants to do, and asks earnestly that we would let Him.

It can be scary to have questions. When I find myself in an unfamiliar place or a place that makes me uncomfortable I tend to draw into myself. You could call it a “turtle-effect” of sorts. Others of us find ourselves running to the nearest tangible distraction. Anyways, I believe the Lord doesn’t move himself off in the distance; we put Him there.

And while walking in the knowledge that you don’t have all the answers will take courage, I want you to know that it is worth it. The loneliness of the questions can only creep in when you choose to walk alone.

So I’ve decided to entrust my questions to the Lord, and invite Him to walk this through beside me. I know that some of the questions I’ve asked will be answered directly and in His timing. It’s bound to be that some of my questions won’t be answered because I’ve been unknowingly asking the wrong questions. I know that others still will lead me, at first, to more questions. But like I’ve mentioned before, this is a process. And that is okay.

So here's to not simply including Him in the conversation of our questions, but entrusting Him with our questions. Here's to not walking this through alone. And here's to the adventure that awaits us all!

Waiting on the Waiting Period

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. He was going to buy a ring while I was away on a study trip to Europe with my university, but I told him that I couldn’t be his wife and asked him not to buy the ring. Now don’t worry; the details of the relationship or the drama of my emotions are not the purpose for the post. Those thoughts are for my personal journal and alone times with the Lord who is an ever patient and listening ear. Instead I want to talk about what I’ve been learning about waiting on the waiting period.

I know, it sounds a little strange. Let me give a little background… I thought this guy was going to be my husband and I had gotten very good at waiting for the right timing as I believed I already had the right guy. But as of this moment, there is a lot I no longer know. In fact sometimes it feels like I know more of what I don’t know that what I actually do know. Are you tracking with me?

Anyways, I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for anymore. I’ve taken time and will continue to pray about what I value in a man that would be my husband, but I don’t know if the homeslice actually exists or not. If he does, I certainly don’t know who he is. It’s not my job to find him. In fact, I get to go on adventures, live life and look pretty knowing that when the timing is right he will find me. But I’ve got to be completely honest with you... I haven’t known how to do that since I was 16. That’s right. 16. As in the years of age… Now I’m not that old. I know that. But let us just consider then how long ago that feels at still so young a stage of life! I was a different person at 16!

So I find that I’m waiting on the waiting period, meaning I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for. And that’s okay. If there is one thing I’ve learned and now know from the last few months of my life it is that life is frequently not okay. And it is perfectly okay to not be okay. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t confuse not being okay with a right to immaturity and stupid actions. They are not one in the same or interchangeable. But it is okay to realize that for this season of time you are not okay.

Secondly, I’ve also been learning that to stand on God’s promise of faithfulness is not easy and a decision that is made in my world multiple times each day. Asking God questions is not doubting Him or His faithfulness. If you believe it is, try reading the Psalms and tell me how David is still known as the man after God’s own heart… Relying on your own understanding or allowing yourself to make decisions based on a fear or out of doubt of God’s perfect plan is a different story. So right now it means shoring up a lot of areas in my life that would normally not even be a problem. For example, I’m in one of the most romantic city in the world right now and I will not allow myself to listen to the classics (Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, Jimmy Durante, etc.). I know it will lead my heart to places it doesn’t need to be in this season of my life. Instead, I haven’t turned off the worship music. But it’s a decision I have to make each time I get on the metro and turn on my iPod. I must consciously choose again and again to guard my heart and keep it from places that would cause me to begin to doubt God’s faithfulness to me, even if those places are normally harmless.

There are many more lessons that I’m sure I will learn about this season of my life. I was taught a long time ago that a smooth sea never made a skillful mariner, and I will face what I must in order to gain the skills I will need for the future. God is never late and rarely early, but I know that when I need the next step He will be faithful and guide me. There is a reason, though I cannot see or understand it, for not having all of the answers right now. I trust in His wisdom and work to show myself faithful to the One who has always been faithful to me.

So for now, I’m waiting on the waiting period. And if you happen to find yourself there, take heart and know that someday this too shall pass.