Waiting on the Waiting Period

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. He was going to buy a ring while I was away on a study trip to Europe with my university, but I told him that I couldn’t be his wife and asked him not to buy the ring. Now don’t worry; the details of the relationship or the drama of my emotions are not the purpose for the post. Those thoughts are for my personal journal and alone times with the Lord who is an ever patient and listening ear. Instead I want to talk about what I’ve been learning about waiting on the waiting period.

I know, it sounds a little strange. Let me give a little background… I thought this guy was going to be my husband and I had gotten very good at waiting for the right timing as I believed I already had the right guy. But as of this moment, there is a lot I no longer know. In fact sometimes it feels like I know more of what I don’t know that what I actually do know. Are you tracking with me?

Anyways, I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for anymore. I’ve taken time and will continue to pray about what I value in a man that would be my husband, but I don’t know if the homeslice actually exists or not. If he does, I certainly don’t know who he is. It’s not my job to find him. In fact, I get to go on adventures, live life and look pretty knowing that when the timing is right he will find me. But I’ve got to be completely honest with you... I haven’t known how to do that since I was 16. That’s right. 16. As in the years of age… Now I’m not that old. I know that. But let us just consider then how long ago that feels at still so young a stage of life! I was a different person at 16!

So I find that I’m waiting on the waiting period, meaning I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for. And that’s okay. If there is one thing I’ve learned and now know from the last few months of my life it is that life is frequently not okay. And it is perfectly okay to not be okay. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t confuse not being okay with a right to immaturity and stupid actions. They are not one in the same or interchangeable. But it is okay to realize that for this season of time you are not okay.

Secondly, I’ve also been learning that to stand on God’s promise of faithfulness is not easy and a decision that is made in my world multiple times each day. Asking God questions is not doubting Him or His faithfulness. If you believe it is, try reading the Psalms and tell me how David is still known as the man after God’s own heart… Relying on your own understanding or allowing yourself to make decisions based on a fear or out of doubt of God’s perfect plan is a different story. So right now it means shoring up a lot of areas in my life that would normally not even be a problem. For example, I’m in one of the most romantic city in the world right now and I will not allow myself to listen to the classics (Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, Jimmy Durante, etc.). I know it will lead my heart to places it doesn’t need to be in this season of my life. Instead, I haven’t turned off the worship music. But it’s a decision I have to make each time I get on the metro and turn on my iPod. I must consciously choose again and again to guard my heart and keep it from places that would cause me to begin to doubt God’s faithfulness to me, even if those places are normally harmless.

There are many more lessons that I’m sure I will learn about this season of my life. I was taught a long time ago that a smooth sea never made a skillful mariner, and I will face what I must in order to gain the skills I will need for the future. God is never late and rarely early, but I know that when I need the next step He will be faithful and guide me. There is a reason, though I cannot see or understand it, for not having all of the answers right now. I trust in His wisdom and work to show myself faithful to the One who has always been faithful to me.

So for now, I’m waiting on the waiting period. And if you happen to find yourself there, take heart and know that someday this too shall pass.