We have this thing called Spiritual Emphasis Week at my university. It's the second week of each semester where we set aside extra time to spend with the Lord corporately as a campus. We have at least three, sometimes four additional chapels to the three normally scheduled each week. It's something I consistently anticipate and thoroughly enjoy. Before I begin I must ask you to forgive the somewhat scatterbrained thoughts in this post. It is late and I am in a hurry to get to bed, but I felt prompted to share.
I felt the Lord quieting my spirit tonight and beckoning my heart to his. I kept hearing His still, gentle voice patiently requesting that I trust Him.
When you think you've already entrusted everything to Him, it can get quite obnoxious to hear Him only repeating the same request. You're ready to move up and move on because you feel like the challenge was not only already accepted but accomplished!
Yet still He petitioned me.
It wasn't until later tonight as, swept back into the chaotic life of a senior in college, I began to find myself anxious about my future! It took three full hours for me to hear Him whisper through the noise and business of the evening that He still desired I would trust Him.
Talk about a wake up call. Leaving things at the alter only works if you remember to leave them there when you walk out.
I've become very comfortable in trusting Him with many of the smaller challenges. This semester, no problem. The seemingly insurmountable gap between where my finances are currently and where I would prefer to see them, manageable. The different struggles and circumstances I will not only have to face and walk through but also overcome as an RA on my floor this year, totally doable. But the big things like a job I find fulfillment in as I leave the educational world and launch out into the world of careers... Intimidating. Trusting Him to provide me with a husband that I not only choose but will also choose me back... Scary. Not understanding how some of these dreams and desires that He's placed inside of me could ever come to fruition... Absolutely mind boggling.
It was at this point that we began to address the root of some of these fears. Yes, at the core it is a trust issue. But why? What is causing me to doubt His ability to be faithful to me? Why do I fear the fact that my definition of good and His may not always be identical?
And then it hit me. I've been spending my time comparing. It's much less a fear that I am unable to attain some of the things that I've watched in others' lives. I am confident that I am capable of a great marriage, of being a good mother to my children, of having a successful and fulfilling career for whatever amount of time I spend in the full time workforce. The issue was a comparison with the lives of those I didn't desire. What happens if I don't have a job post graduation? What happens if my great marriage doesn't begin until I'm 45? What if... (you fill in the blank)?
Understand me here. It's natural for us to compare ourselves to the lives of those around us. It's in our nature to do so. It doesn't mean for a second that we ought to be doing it, that it's healthy for us, or that we should be doing it. But all of us, at one point or another, have compared something in ourselves to that of another. And this was just my dilemma.
See, I'm not any of those people - good or bad. I'm me. I'm Chelsea Renee VanderVlucht. And I need to look at my future in light of this reality. He has my story. Will it all turn out exactly like I prefer? Maybe not. In fact, I'm quite certain it probably won't. But it's my story, not anyone else's. It's mine alone to claim. And it is not just my right, but my honor to take ownership of it. I can trust Him, because He's already got it. And it's a story unlike any others.
I need to take the pressure off not only myself, but my Creator. It's a story that is already written but so very unknown to me yet. It's an adventure, but it's my adventure to enjoy, to participate in, to learn from, and to live. No one else gets my story. No one. I may meet many along my journey with similar experiences, dreams, or chapters. But my story remains unique to me.
I read a blogpost a few weeks ago written by one of the girls on my floor as a part of the Insecurely Movement. In it she described one of her youth leaders in high school. Each time this girl saw this youth leader, she was reminded out loud who she was.
A Warrior Princess, Bride to the King of the Universe.
... Just let that sink in for a second.
My story is my own. And I will choose to stand confident in who I am and where He will lead me, because I remember that He calls me out each day by name: Chelsea VanderVlucht, Christ Follower, Warrior Princess, Bride to the King of the Universe. Will I wake up tomorrow morning and need to remind myself of this all over again? Most definitely. I'm embarrassed to even make a guess at the number of times I'll need to do this again even before lunch. But I will do it. Because what I know in my head is what I desire to have so rooted in my heart that every thought, every movement and every word is an overflow of this realization of my identity.
No comments:
Post a Comment